The Joy of Being Average

When I heard the statement “Dare to be Dull” I recoiled as if somebody was offering me a snake to hold. Why would I live through the tyranny of my oppressed life in a broken world only to aim for the objective of dullness? That was completely out of the question. I wasn’t about to venture into the new world of sobriety as a dull average person.

I set the course on my road of recovery to completely reconstruct my wildly embarrassing life. So off I went with shame and resolve, to make myself the best version of myself. Twelve steps, Ten Commandments, Eight Beatitudes, Seven Habits, Six Winning Ways, Five Second Rule, 365 days to transform. I have done it all. Over and over again; shucks I even taught a few of those classes. I was so sure that if I could only get “it” right, ( it being the moving target ) I would be happy, life would be better, and everything in my life would be a blessing to myself and everyone I knew. Just like that scene in Mary Poppins, when Julie Andrews and Dick van Dyke are walking through the park with all the animated birds and butterflies.

( Please Note: Sobriety is a gift to me that has never been withdrawn or abandoned. I don’t take that gift for granted. I have misinterpreted its use, and at times have been driven crazy with its clarity but sobriety has always been a valued part of my existence, you know, a bit like oxygen)

So imagine my exhausted relief when I started to become comfortable, with intermittent whiffs of hope that I might be completely loved and accepted as I was. On those rare occasions that I felt safe and fairly comfortable in my own skin, I climbed out of the spiritual and emotional girdle that made me feel presentable and attractive. I took as many deep breaths of relief that I could comfortably take, and I relaxed. If only for a moment, the obsession to get better and/or get fixed would slip away and I would release into a deep feeling of inner peace.

I started to see the correlation between the words peace and patience. Two words that were foreign to my concept of success. I believed that the struggle was real and necessary. That times of contentment and peace were to be the exception, not the rule.

Work, work, work! Press onward, always forward and don’t forget your awful past for fear it would be revisited. I had come to believe that the activities and recognition that were necessary for a happy and fulfilling life must be earned, learned, and made by me. Rugged individualism and socially acceptable bravado were the currency of change. So damn the torpedos and full speed ahead. To think about it now, I was like a child blowing into the sails of my own little sailboat to keep myself moving.

I can write volumes about the seminars, classes, meetings, and psychic consultants that I have joined and employed to overcompensate for the fact that I am a human being. Imperfect, uniquely flawed, and a fearlessly made human being. Once I got comfortable with my humanity I was able to take a closer look under the hood, slowly at first and then in a lingering kind of presence, I became comfortable with who I was underneath all the striving.

I began to hear the beating of my heart and the power of the circulatory system that connected me to life. I began to see the world around me differently. The world became a lovely invitation to play rather than an ultimatum to perform and I began to be less conscious of myself and more present to life. One of the greatest gifts was that I started acknowledging in myself, what I appreciated in others. Boom, game changer. My goodness, gracious, we, us, you and I, we are all one and ain’t that grand.

Quite often I can be found admiring the wonder of it all. I am still a scrapper, but mostly I am a lover. I love to collaborate for the greater good as well as hide out from my family. My feelings get hurt and my words reflect my moods, yet somehow through the gentlest of nudges, I can find my way back to my original factory settings and see the wisdom of it all.

I am truly loving the beauty and simplicity of this joyfully average existence.