From Scared to Sacred-The Journey Home

“I want you to find a women’s group to join,” she said, as we nestled in the back of a cold, cluttered café, a stone’s throw away from the lull of Ocean Beach. In that dim space, we were drawn close — a necessity for both warmth and secrecy — as the damp atmosphere filled the room and the heaviness of my years of guilt lay palpable between us. The remains of a burnt-out cigarette stood as a silent witness to our deep conversation.”I don’t get along with women. I have more in common with guys,” I said.

To admit my pain, fears, and deceptions was hard enough, but to share them? And with other women? The thought was unbearable. My relationship with myself was tough at best, and the idea of trusting other women felt like a mountain too hard to climb. With male friends, I could at least hide behind a façade, keeping my secrets locked away.

On the outside, I was the poster child for success — diligent at work, laughing off inappropriate jokes, always present regardless of being hungover, anxious, or sad. My laughter often masked judgment, for others and myself, and I prided myself on never showing weaknesses, either physical or emotional. I was that tough broad, grinding away in bars and restaurants, fudging my age when needed. The ’80s saw me chart my ‘deals in heels’ career path, with me as the self-proclaimed lead of my own chaotic TV drama.

So, imagine the whirlwind of emotions as Julie, my confidante in that café, urged me to confront my truths alongside other women. It felt like a call to relinquish control over my life’s narrative. And yet, despite my resistance, I stepped into these groups. My entry was slow and riddled with the false confidence of a little girl yearning for validation, desperate to be anything but her authentic self.

Fast forward four decades, and I’m overwhelmed by gratitude for this journey from fear to reverence. The irony isn’t lost on me — a girl who attended an all-girls high school (shout out to Ursuline Class of ’76) running from the very essence of womanhood. I believed that embracing my femininity would make me vulnerable, that it would strip me of my power and self-sufficiency. Doing the best I could, with the understanding I had at the time, it was possible to learn and grow as I moved forward. That fallacy began to unravel as I embarked on a journey of self-discovery and I truly accepted the Dare to be a woman in all its glory.

Today, I’m empowered. The wisdom and joy I’ve found in my own essence comes largely from the camaraderie and trust I’ve built with other wonderful women. It’s perhaps why SWAG — Smart Women Aging Gracefully — resonates deeply with me. My past fixation on rugged individualism gave way to the creation of profound, sacred relationships. These connections have gifted me the richness and fullness of life that is waiting for each one of us.

From scared to sacred, this journey home to oneself is an invitation to embrace the essence of who we truly are. It’s a testament to the transformative power of genuine connection and sisterhood that leads to a fuller life with all of humanity. Beginning from the inside and moving out.